I tried dating a man in all earnest
And it backfired spectacularly i.e. it blew up in my face i.e. i'm never doing this again
It is the bravest thing I have done.
It feels like trusting a man even a little bit, taking his words as they flow, simply believing them to not be lies is worse than walking into a busy street with blindfolds on.
The fact that I ignored a man showing me his misogyny, even if it was just for a few days, is deeply, deeply embarrassing to me as a no-bull shit person.
Despite the fact that this man severely challenged my belief that all people are inherently good (and complex in ways that we find difficult to wrap our heads around sometimes), deep down I still believe it.
This man was obviously extremely misogynistic and disrespectful and crass (despite having studied humanities… that makes it worse, yes) but I still think that it was simply a case of a man being socialised poorly, being allowed to believe into late adulthood that he was a raja beta, and his social surroundings simply never challenged that. Even if they did, he had enough ego and pride in himself to not take it upon himself to self-reflect.
Looking back, it is so easy for me to point out all the times he made me question his feminism, even basic morality over the last few weeks.
And I kept overlooking it, time and again, under the pretext of giving people a chance.
I kept telling myself – you can't run away at the first weird flag, everyone has those.
And while I could have nipped the thing in the bud, and we’d all have been none the wiser, I am lowkey glad that we stuck it out.
If nothing, I got a day of tears and self-reflection over it.
I spent the entirety of yesterday in intermittent fits of tears, happiness, deep visceral relaxation, deep visceral panic. The feeling that was all too familiar was the panic.
Every time I feel something akin to a gut punch, the effects last for hours. It feels as if my heart has suddenly come up to my throat and is beating there loudly, numbing away everything else. The ripple effects of this, of course being felt everywhere in my body. It feels like there are a million tiny needles slightly pinching, weaving in and out of my body. My arms, legs, face, everywhere. The overall effect is a slight shaking and visceral discomfort in my bones. There is nothing else left to do but feel this as it comes and wait for it to pass.
So that’s what I did.
And yet, a few days after the fact that it happened… I'm glad that I went and took a chance on my heart anyway.
I have always been the sort of person who keeps my heart closed off and opens it only after a lot of rational consideration. (And oftentimes the gut feeling where it decides we’re safe and starts loving the person anyway.)
Again, these mostly apply to female friends and rare few male friends.
Lovers? Nope. That is going to take a lot longer.
And, as my therapist would say:” while these strategies may have protected you in the past, the danger is now gone. It's okay to open your heart up.”
And I think the last few weeks felt exactly that.
Little by little, accompanied by lots of trepidation, I had begun to open my heart up. I felt like a baby crab, opening my eyes up to the world, as scary as it was.
There were so many times when he said a certain thing that rubbed me the wrong way, but under the watchful loving gaze of my sister, I decided to give it the benefit of doubt.
It was actually quite fun trying to think of certain things they said from his point of view. Maybe he did not mean it in a rude way, this was just him being informal. Overall, I think that part was a great exercise in empathy.
I have always maintained that I am an empathetic person who always tries to view situations and people complexly, and yet when it came to men, I was unidimensional.
Slights and scruples that I would happily tolerate and let pass with friends, I would cancel a man for.
Which I always thought was completely valid, as one needs a criterion to judge people by initially and this one was doing the trick.
But if we keep dismissing people at the first hint of perceived slight, we’d probably not have any friends either. I went into dating with the conviction that, yes, all people have flaws, but we have to accept them and look for the good parts.
The first hint of perceived slight is also likely to be a different style of talking or thinking or belief. And if, IF the rest of the basics are in place, it is not the worst idea to throw caution to the wind. Just for a little bit.
And GOSH! That can be fun!! (Sometimes! May result in a broken heart too. I am mostly cold hearted, so it doesn't affect me as much. Reader discretion advised)
<3 <3